John August

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Idiocy on Parade

Parade

A new feature in which I answer questions sent to Walter Scott’s Personality Parade®. Today’s column comes from December 17, 2006.

[q]Any truth to rumors that Barbra Streisand will play Mama Rose in a film version of the musical Gypsy?-Mary Jansen, Orlando, Fla.

[a]And this will change your life exactly how, Mary? Let’s say she does get cast. It will be at least a year before the movie comes out. During that time, you can conjecture and kvetch with others in various forums and message boards, discussing whether she’s right for the role, if the role’s right for her, and how absolutely fantastic or godawful her version of “Rose’s Turn” will be. Alternately, you could get a fucking life.

[q]I’m a fan of Jason Ritter, son of the late John Ritter and star of CBS’s The Class. Does he have a significant other? -Jackie N., Washington, D.C.

[a]No, Jackie. He’s saving himself for you. Or are you coyly trying to ask if he’s gay? I have no idea. Let me call his publicist. I’m sure I’ll get a straight answer. Wink, wink.

[q]In her new autobiography, Lessons in Becoming Myself, Ellen Burstyn reveals painful stories of abuse, neglect, incest and promiscuity. Didn’t she have reservations about such honesty? -Toby M., Lansing, Mich.

[a]Probably. But the desire to have her book sell more than five copies helped her get past her reservations.

[q]After you came out in favor of skinny models, two died from complications of anorexia. What do you have to say for yourself now?
-Grace Powers, Austin, Tex.

[a]Shove it, Grace.

[q]Masi Oka mostly speaks Japanese on NBC’s hit series Heroes. Is his English as good as his Japanese?-A. Liebman, Spokane, Wash.

[a]It’s called Wikipedia, A.

[q]TV stars like T.R. Knight of Grey’s Anatomy don’t seem to suffer by coming out of the closet. Are there many gay film stars who still hide their sexual orientation, like Rock Hudson did in the 1950s?
-Ross McC., Newark, N.J.

[a]No. Every actor in Hollywood is now straight as a lumberjack.

[q]I’m curious about Cheyenne, who won on NBC’s America’s Most Talented Kids and recently had an MTV reality show. Is that her real name? -Cal Campbell, Gallup, N.M.

[a]Jesus, Cal. I’d call you lazy, but licking the stamp on your letter took more work than Googling the answer. So maybe you’re just stupid.

[q]I haven’t seen Steven Seagal onscreen in a long time. Did he retire?-Andy R., Cos Cob, Conn.

[a]No, he transcended this plane of existence. C’mon Andy. I can see wanting your name in print, but do you really want it associated with Steven Seagal? And even if you can’t figure out how this whole interweb thing works, just typing his name into any random box will bring you to his website, which shows 30 upcoming tour dates for his band. Maybe you could ask him in person when Glimmer Man 2 will be coming out.

[q]How will history assess Donald Rumsfeld?-Mark Hughes, New York, N.Y.

[a]Fat.

Toddler books in the Store

Store

[binky] A surprising number of readers have been buying stuff through the Store,For reference, my biggest week has been a whopping $43. Which more than covers the site’s hosting fees. But I’m not giving up my day job yet. leading me to wonder, “What other tangible products do I have opinions about?”

It turns out, the tangible items I handle most these days are board books for my 17-month old daughter. She has her favorites; I have mine. I’ve taken the overlapping subset and created four new pages in the store with our mutual recommendations.

As a general word of advice for new parents, or those buying gifts for new parents: when it comes to books, think repetition. As you thumb through pages in the bookstore, ask yourself, “Will this provoke thoughts of murder-suicide upon the 50th reading?”

I’ve only included one book like that in my list, Sandra Boynton’s Perritos. It’s a counting book with dogs who bark in Spanish: “¡Jau! ¡Gau-Gau-Gau!” Fun at first, but really hard on the vocal cords after three times through.

The other books are generally great. I’m particularly partial to Leslie Patricelli’s books, the complete canon of which I now have memorized. Sometimes, stuck with a cranky toddler, I find myself “reading” the Binky book to her, flipping the invisible pages. It buys a few more minutes, which is sometimes all you need.

Seeing The Nines at Sundance

Projects, Sundance, The Nines

trapI’m not going to suggest that devoted readers fly thousands of miles to see The Nines at Sundance. But I’m not going to not suggest it.

I’ve long been of the mindset that there’s no reason to go to Sundance unless you have a movie there. I haven’t been since Go debuted there in 1999. I had a great time, but it was a zoo, and my threshold for tolerating crowds, schwag and auteur-theorists drops considerably when wearing a parka.

But the truth is, most of the people going to Sundance aren’t filmmakers at all. They’re simply people who love films, particularly the kind that never see wide release. (You know, the ones that show up on critics’ top ten lists, yet you’ve never heard of.) There are worse places to spend a long weekend — what with the skiing and the dozens upon dozens of excellent films waiting to be discovered. So if you have the interest and means, why not come? Crash on the floor of someone’s motel room. Maybe you’ll meet that special someone who will change your life. Or convince you never to sleep with a singer/songwriter/gaffer.

Now that I’ve possibly convinced you to come, the natural follow-up question: Hey John, could you slide me some tickets?

Um, no. Sorry. In fact, the producers and I are actively scrambling to get tickets ourselves, because the festival allotment is limited.

Advance ticket sales begin January 5th, so the clock is ticking. They’ve recently released a brochure (.pdf, 5.6Mb) describing all of the films in the festival. If you’re signing up for a range of movies and showtimes — the omakase menu, if you will — the odds of getting some good tickets is pretty high. But if you’re trying to get tickets for one specific show, that’s where it gets tougher.

For The Nines, the premiere will be Sunday, January 21st, at 9:30 p.m. at Eccles. It’s a big theatre, but it’s almost certain to sell out. So if you want to come to it, definitely get tickets through the website. Basically, you pay $5 to reserve a place in line — or more specifically, a lottery ticket for your place in line. On January 5th, you get an email with a time that you can sign in to purchase your tickets. A pain in the ass? Absolutely. But it’s the best way to make sure you get a seat.

There are three other screenings of The Nines that week. I’ll be doing a Q&A after the premiere (along with the cast and some department heads), and also after the Monday morning and Tuesday night screenings.

I previously linked to a helpful guide for attending Sundance, but no doubt many readers will have their own recommendations. So, share away.

Lost Rooms and American Zombies

Prince of Persia, Projects, Psych 101, Television

elleI set the TiVo to grab SciFi Channel’s “The Lost Room” mini-series, largely because it co-stars Elle Fanning, who is also in The Nines. The two projects seem to overlap thematically: in my movie, Elle plays the key to a dark conspiracy; in the series, Elle is a player in a dark conspiracy about a key.

It’s a giant relief to see The Lost Room, because it’s very similar to a show I nearly pitched this season — which would have involved Elle getting kidnapped, a cult, and mysterious goings-on. Since The Lost Room effectively precludes my idea, why do I classify it as a relief?

Because now I don’t have to write it.

Many of the projects I write — and the majority of the projects I produce — begin because an idea will present itself and I’ll think, “Wow, someone should really do that.” I’m sure a sizable portion of the American public has similar “why doesn’t somebody…” ideas. The difference is, I am that somebody. I can call up ABC and pitch a show and get a fair chunk of money to write it. But it’s not always the best use of my time.

“Someone should do a crime show set in Alaska” — six months writing and shooting the Alaska pilot

“No one’s ever done a show about private military contractors” — a year and a half writing three different versions of the pilot for Fox

“Prince of Persia would make a great movie” — going on three years executive producing an adaptation, which still doesn’t have a start date

So that’s why, sometimes, I’m delighted when someone else has the same good idea. I recently had 30 projects on my “To Write” list. Now I have 29. Actually, 28…

I just saw in the Slamdance catalog a listing for American Zombie. That’s a title I’ve had on my list for three years, without any real story to go with it, just a sense that, “Someone should make a movie called American Zombie.”

Now someone has. The director’s name is Grace Lee. I hope her movie’s terrific. Either way, I thank her deeply.