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Several readers have expressed bewilderment at this site’s weekly Parade feature, asking, “What is the point, exactly?”

That’s a question worthy of koan-like contemplation: can utter pointlessness have a point?

International readers in particular have no frame of reference for Parade, so let me offer the briefest of introductions. Parade comes free in the Sunday paper. (No one would ever buy it.) Its feature story is generally about one of three topics: a threat to your family, a threat to your health, or how great America is.The perfect Parade cover story would hit the trifecta: “How one small town stopped a deadly disease that was killing our kids.” In addition to the uniquely unfunny Howard Huge comic, Parade includes Marilyn Vos Savant, an ageless woman who claims to be clever.

But the most delicious part of Parade is right inside the cover: Walter Scott’s Personality Parade. It’s a Q and A about random celebrities and detritus of popular culture, with very wide latitude for topicality. Some might look at the improbable phrasing of the “reader questions” and conclude that they’re simply fabricated by a soulless publicity machine.

But I choose to believe.

I choose to believe that average Americans are dying to know more information about Phil Collins’s new girlfriend, yet are incapable of the most rudimentary Google searches. I choose to believe that it is complete coincidence that a reader in Bumfucket expresses curiosity about a minor actor’s next role the exact week said actor’s new TV movie airs.

And because of my deliberate and irrational naivete, I choose to see my weekly re-answering of Parade questions not as parody or satire, but a celebration of pointless celebrity gawking. Parade’s journalism is like Las Vegas’s architecture: empty, false and kind of fascinating.

Now that I’ve answered the meta-questions,The other frequent question is why I turn off comments on the Parade articles. The answer is simple: just to frustrate you. let’s begin with this week’s installment, which originally ran in the January 14th issue.

What do you make of Eddie Murphy’s claim that his divorce inspired his Oscar-worthy Dreamgirls performance?—Sam Rush, Kailua, Hawaii

Great question, Sam. By asking, “What do you make of it?” you invite skepticism, yet keep the door open for just about any answer. Personally, I can’t imagine a celebrity lying for any reason, so I take Eddie at his word.

Could you tell me how the ’50s film star Jeff Chandler died?—Winnona Evanauski, Holton, Mich.

Shortly after completing his role in Merrill’s Marauders (1962), Chandler entered a Culver City hospital and had surgery for a spinal disc herniation on May 13, 1961. There were severe complications, an artery was damaged and Chandler hemorrhaged. In a seven and a half hour emergency operation over and above the original surgery, he was given an enormous amount of blood, 55 pints. Another operation followed, date unknown, where he received an additional 20 pints of blood. An average adult has about 14 to 18 pints of blood, so his entire blood volume was replaced 4 to 5 times! Chandler fought hard to live, but expired June 17, 1961. His death was deemed malpractice and resulted in a large lawsuit and settlement for his children. Tony Curtis and Gerald Mohr were pallbearers at Chandler’s funeral.

Do you know where I found this information? An amazing website I discovered called Wikipedia. Be careful, though. It’s apparently written by ordinary people, as opposed to professionals like Walter Scott.

I saw a trailer for The Painted Veil, with real-life couple Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber. Did they meet on that film?—Diane Silver, Canton, Ohio

Diane, you saw a trailer for a movie, and really think it’s worth bothering our nationwide readership with your silly question? How’s this: spend your $9 to see the friggin’ movie, and if you’re still curious, then maybe Walter can get your answer.

You asked readers to respond to your selections of the Top 10 football players of all time. What were the results?—Thomas T., Cedar Rapids, Iowa

100% agreement. Parade readers know better than to disagree with their intellectual superiors, be they real or fabricated.

Sean Bean, best known as heroic Boromir in Lord of the Rings, plays a sadistic kidnapper in a remake of The Hitcher. What drew him to the role?—Joanna Jones, Columbus, Ohio

Personal experience. “Back in the early 90’s, I went through a phase where I liked to pick up hitchhikers and put them through psychological torture,” says the classically-trained Bean, 47. “This was a chance to revisit those days.” Would he let his 8-year old daughter watch the film? “No, she’s too young.”

Kristin Chenoweth won rave reviews for The Apple Tree, now on Broadway. What’s next for the talented singer?—D. Silver, Devon, Pa.

Dinner. She’s thinking about having a salad. But the salmon looks really good, too. It’s just so hard to decide. What are you having?

Jaime Pressly, who plays Joy on My Name Is Earl, is pregnant. Who’s the father?—Tammy M., Detroit, Mich.

Surprisingly, Earl. “A lot of people wonder how I could have gotten pregnant by a fictional character,” says Pressly, 29. “But look at Mary and Jesus. I mean, it’s completely presidential. (sic)” It’s also a reminder that no method of birth control is 100% effective.

Ivanka Trump is back with her dad this month on The Apprentice. Does she also intend to continue modeling?—Theresa Vaughn, Cleveland, Ohio

If by “modeling,” you mean her father’s history of dating beautiful women who somehow tolerate his presence despite his being physically and spiritually repellent, then no.

After seeing Home of the Brave, I’m curious: How does 50 Cent rate the demands of acting vs. rapping?—Matt Z., West Chester, Pa.

“It’s not a literal thing, you know what I mean? Everything, if you give yourself over to it, eventually transcends into something artistic and that’s always a world that is a bit gray and indefinable. You do all the kind of concrete work that you can do, the documentaries or the audio tapes or the visuals or what you read, you interview people. I keep saying I put myself alone in a room four months before we started to shoot and tried to get in that room everyday for an hour or two with all these materials that I had and everything I could, and just start working. And what that is, is something that I had to figure out. A lot of it was practice and things like that of technical stuff. But ultimately all that had to be one. Where it wasn’t just imitation, it wasn’t just mimicry, it was creating a character. A real guy and it was trial and error.”

Actually, that was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Trust me, you don’t want to ask 50 Cent about the craft.

I was unprepared for the volume of mail I got wondering what had happened to the weekly Parade feature. Sorry. I was busy premiering a movie. But that’s really no excuse. Walter Scott manages to write a weekly column despite not actually existing.

Today’s questions originally ran in the January 28th, 2007 issue of Parade.

The buzz on Jennifer Lopez’s upcoming movie, El Cantante, isn’t so hot. Her clothing line, JLO by Jennifer Lopez, also is struggling. Why is she slipping? — Alexandra L., New York, N.Y.

Because she’s months behind on her payments. Jenny, it’s $10,000 per month for favorable mentions in Parade. Not per year. Maybe you’re getting us confused with one of those other rags (like Newsday, uggh), but look through the contract, hon. We’d love to do a nice puff piece like “Jennifer Lopez shows you hidden Miami.” James Brady already has his cursor blinking. But just in case, we have freshly written “questions” ready to hit you from all sides. Let’s start with the A’s: Affleck, Adultery and that Ass of yours. Don’t make us get alphabetical. You’ll be dead by the E’s.

I was surprised to learn that singer-songwriter Phil Collins is dating a TV journalist from New York City. Who is she, and what happened to his wife? — Jill Clayborn, Phoenix, Ariz.

Really, Jill? How surprised were you on a scale of one to ten? A seven, maybe? It is pretty shocking when a former rock star splits from his third wife. Our advice is to take the rest of the day off from work. Build-A-Bear will have to get by without you.

Montel Williams wears a black diamond bracelet. Does it have special meaning for him? — Rosie Davis, Seattle, Wash.

No.

Producer/writer David E. Kelley (Ally McBeal, The Practice, Chicago Hope) has disappeared from TV. What’s happened to him? — Nadine Lester, Greenwich, Conn.

I can understand your worry. After a decade of simultaneous Emmy-winning shows, Kelley is currently running a single program: Boston Legal, which my staff tells me is actually written in Japanese and quickly translated by Babelfish. I can only presume the reason for Kelley’s slacking off is that he suddenly realized that he’s married to Michelle Pfeiffer, and he should hit that while he can.

A while back, you said Ben Affleck was interested in running for office. Is he ready to take the plunge in 2008? — Larry Kramer, Los Angeles, Calif.

Yes. Sources tell us he’s planning a campaign for PTA secretary at the prestigious Crossroads School, but won’t officially announce his intentions until his daughter is old enough to walk.

I heard that Reese Witherspoon now makes $15 million a picture. Is she really worth that much? — Harley S., Santa Fe, N.M.

Reese Witherspoon is worth her weight in gold. Guesstimating she tips the scales at 50 kilos, and with gold trading at $20,800/kilo, that would put her worth at just over $1 million. The extra 14 million is for spunk. And don’t forget that Oscar!

I see that Richard Pryor’s daughter, Rain, wrote a biography of the late comedian. Is it a “Daddy Dearest” book? — Tricia Guthrie, Lambertville, N.J.

I’ll let you know after this month’s book club meeting. I just hope everyone’s actually read it this time, unlike the last meeting, when Sally Jansen tried to fake her way through Barak Obama’s book. Honestly, if she didn’t make amazing brownies, we would have cut her loose months ago.

Two-time U.S. bronze medalist Angela Nikodinov is now touring with Smucker’s Stars on Ice. What caused her two-year absence from skating? — Mike Anderson, Syracuse, N.Y.

The ill-conceived “Skippy Peanut Butter on Ice” tour. Five skaters died in that debacle.

With the Taliban making a comeback in Afghanistan, how much help can we expect from President Musharraf, our Pakistani ally? — T.D., Boston, Mass.

Finally. Thank you for asking a question that makes use of Walter Scott’s decades of experience in Middle East affairs. The answer: more than a smidgen, less than a heap.